MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You Might Also Like
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
lmfao
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁