Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Does your wife know you’re single?