Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Cannot stop laughing at this
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
bout dat hot dog summer
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling