After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
You Might Also Like
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no