Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The best shot in the history of golf
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side