if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
a public service announcement
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked