A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.