I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*