Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.