Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.