“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
R.I.P.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.