I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
me linking you to my twitter
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them