I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.