Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*