I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.