You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.