Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
#parenting
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men