70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.