Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Phones down.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.