Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”