Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.