That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
peep davidson
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong