When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The only equipped I am is ill.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha