I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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Truth
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Called it
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”