Penguins walking in 5x speed
You Might Also Like
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s