Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Cashiers are always checking me out
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.