I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
You Might Also Like
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.