I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad