Me too 😆
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my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
reminder
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.