Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.