There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient