I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
You Might Also Like
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.