[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”