[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
drew a comic about my origin story
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.