Awesome parenting 😂
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
me after drinking all the wine:
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
How it started: How it’s going: