“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go