it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know