Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.