I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….