If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.