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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I don’t know what to do
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please