Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.