Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.