If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
White Castle for the Win
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.