I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
You Might Also Like
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!