Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB