My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.