Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
me adding lol on a serious message
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I hope Alan is OK
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”