I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that