[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.